The Suburban Terrorist, Me

It became too much, two businesses, one marriage gone, no time off, stress, aggravation, I give. So I sold, now I’m bored, I’ll relax for a while and regroup. Damn…. I’m bored.

  I’m driving down the main drag of the burb I live in and pass a small shop that is being rehabbed for a future unknown tenant; it’s late in the day, I’ll stop and see what they are doing with it, no ones there. I notice a local police squad car sitting across the street I presume looking for speeders, Looks pretty good, I get a brainstorm, I think my ideal will work, I check out the window facing the busy street, looks ok, I check the side window, it’s getting dark but can still see that it will work, damn it’s cold, I think that I will become a useful member of society tomorrow by renting this lonely Charlie Brown building and turn it into a local retail dynasty.

That being said, I’m going home and plot my strategy. I put my stylish shoebox shaped Volvo in reverse, look in my rearview mirror or and….damn, there’s a car blocking me in, wait, it’s the police car, did I forget my FOP donation?

  Stay in your car, small towns finest yells, I look over, he looks like Barney Fife from a planet with much too much gravity and way to many donuts, then waddles up to my car and demands “what are you doing here, duh, looking at this building? You’ve been watching me for ten minutes, why do you ask? Have you been drinking? No, then why are your pupils dilated? Well, I really didn’t want to get into a physiology lesson but you see officer, when it starts to get dark your pupils dilate in order to gather light so “you can F@$#*^% see. Oh.. then…. let’s see your license, registration and proof of insurance. I’m going to have to get out of my car and check the four drawer file cabinet in the trunk to find the volumes of documents you require, it’s cold as hell at this point outside, just stand beside my door officer for another few minutes and you will look like one of those Swedish ice sculptures then this Spanish inquisition won’t be an issue, anyway Napoleons prodigal brother steps back to the warmth of his car, runs my info, comes back to my door and tells me I’m free to go, thanks Mr. Hamburgler.

  As I drive off I realize how extraordinarily pissed off I am, I’m going to the cop place and complain, as I step up to the fortress that protects the local burb cops from serial check kiters and yard toilet paperers I request the officer in charge, as I begin my 30 minute wait I look for something to read, there it is, hanging on the wall is a plethora of educational brocures, keep kids off drugs, support schools, report your neighbor, but, one jumps off the wall……..what you can do to help prevent terrorism….I’m thinking, elect a new police chief.   

 stevesalteredreality.com